I love you. I hope you know that. Actually, you do know that. What I know are the steps to take, but it just feels harder and harder to walk the path. I feel scared and alone. I feel insecure. No amount of money can pay for my courage. I want it all – I want to be an amazing therapist and I want to have a wonderful relationship. I just know deep in my heart that this won’t happen with you because you have other plans. And I am trying to walk away, but something pulls me back every time, just like a string, as if we are attached. But, in the end, I know that these are just thoughts swirling through my mind, making me unable to sleep. ‘Cause I’ll always choose me no matter what and I trust myself that I can handle whatever is coming next. I can trust that I am becoming the woman I want to be, even though that seems scary to me. I know I can be her. Lots of love, Mădă ❤
I love you. I hope you know that. It’s the space that you create around you when you move. It’s the air you breathe close to my neck. How you touch me slowly on the skin. How your skin is caressing mine easily like an anthem. As if when we kiss we create an anthem with our lips and tongues intertwined. I am in love with you. With your shape and your vibe and your childish smile. I am in love with the jokes that you make before breakfast and I am in love with how you make me tickle inside or tickle in general ’cause you adore to make me laugh. I like to call myself ”your poetry” ’cause in your hands, I feel like you are crafting me each time. Softening my corners and my edges.
What is making love, then, if not poetry? Can you imagine science understanding that? I don’t think so. You craft me with your mind and body each time we are together in bed, making me come closer to who I am. Isn’t poetry good at that?
‘’Do you still believe in them?’’ I asked my walls and they responded with silence. Your silence. When I put my hand on them, there was no sign of warmth. Just like your soul when I used to touch you. It’s funny – I kept imagining that cold skin could actually reflect someone’s soul. The only problem was, that your skin was never cold – it was always warm under my hands, getting hotter and hotter from my kisses. So, maybe this rule did not apply to you. But your silence, oh, your silence was deadly. ‘Cause you never talked to me anymore after kissing and cuddling. It’s like I was an object lying in your bed, breathing, and you kept ignoring me completely while sending messages to another woman. I was not a person anymore, an actual person with dreams and feelings and aspirations. I was just someone you had fun with two minutes ago and now time was over and I had to go home. Only when I wanted to leave, you were drawing me closer to your chest. Kissing me goodbye, inviting me to come over next time. As if it should always be a ‘’next time we do this’’ kinda thing. In that moment, I was a human being again. I mattered to you. But then, I went home and I turned into a ghost. You were not texting me for weeks.
So, I guess, that my form and my existence were available only when it suited your needs. Otherwise, I was just a body or a shelter of empty feelings. I was just not the one you loved or chosen and with time, I started to understand that – to detach myself from whatever tricky games you were playing. Maybe if your skin were could, I would have known from the beginning that your soul was like that, too. I would have stayed away before having my dreams crushed again. Not by prince charming, but by someone who was supposed to be the good guy and instead turned out to be just another dragon. But, it was fine, I got it – your warmth was not only coming from inside, but it was also coming from my heart beating and hers. Maybe the two of us could eventually taw your cold heart so that at least in this fairytale we can say ‘’they lived happily ever after’’. Which they probably did. But the wedding was certainly not with me. And I wasn’t there to see it.
Since I haven’t been posting in a while, I thought I would come back with a poem that is very dear to my heart. This one was born out of a writing prompt in which I had to write about one specific kiss. So, I let my heart and my mind wonder and this is what came out. Hope you all enjoy it! >:D<
Your lips tasted like cinnamon
Your lips tasted like cinnamon. I enjoyed how they were getting closer to mine, Touching. In sync. You drew me closer into your body And I hit your skin, My blood was pumping in my veins, my heart beating fast And our lips were collapsing into each other, Making galaxies and universes of their own, They put the stars back into the sky Again and again and again Into the night; Into their own damn world that tasted like sunlight, Like fairytales coming true, Our lips whispered together ‘’I think I’m falling for you.’’
”There are no alternative realities We only have this one.”
What would have happened if you had got that job? If you had that relationship? If things worked out in the way you initially planned? I used to ask myself these questions a lot. I used to sit and wonder about all the alternative scenarios that were possible for my life. Until, one day, I was listening to an episode on this podcast called ‘’How to fail.’’ The two girls on the show said this simply ‘’there are no alternative realities.’’
Truthfully, we don’t know what our life would have been like. Because we didn’t get the job. The relationship that we desperately wanted didn’t happen. We didn’t win every day. We lost those things and that’s why we live in this present moment, not in an alternative reality. There are no alternatives here, what we live today is our best possible life. Even though not everything turned out the way we planned, we can still be happy. We can still strive to be the best version of ourselves. Yes, we might yearn for certain things. We might wish that things turned out differently, but they didn’t.
I realised that, maybe, some relationships had to go wrong. Some doors had to close in our faces. Some failures should have happened in order for us to achieve our potential. We don’t always know where we are supposed to go and who we are supposed to be and the things that turned out wrong can teach us the most valuable lessons. So, yes, our plans are great, but what if the universe has a greater plan for us? One that we cannot even imagine? Maybe, wishing for an alternative reality is just a distraction that makes us unhappy about how we live today. Instead, we can choose to be grateful for the wrong turns, for the detours, for everything that didn’t turn out the way we planned. Because looking back we can actually realise that it was for the best. Even though at that moment we might not have seen it like that – this reality is all that we’ve got and we better make it the best one. We only have one life and it’s no use complaining about why our parents were not different, why our circumstances were not different because they weren’t. Complaining does not help in the long term and we don’t get to choose a different life. We only get this one. So, we better make the best out of it.
If you are reading this today, I hope you give yourself some grace to accept all the things that didn’t turn out exactly the way you planned. I hope you have the courage and find your own inspiration and strive to live in this moment. To create your best life for today.