Writings

Should I be perfect to be loved?

Image source: https://cdn.psychologytoday.com/

Hugging you after such a long time felt weird. The aftershave smell enveloped my body like a thick fog. Sparks were going through it at high speed. Scared and vulnerable? I was in your arms.

The golden ticket to heaven – here it was. Yet, too scared to enjoy it. Got triggered by the closeness but who could blame me? I had this thing about power and in your embrace, my knees felt weak. Thought for a second that I was giving you the power to hurt me. I hated to feel like that.

Nonetheless, every second was precious. The way our bodies fit together in that embrace erased my daily questions. Questions like – ”Do you love me?”; ”Is this going somewhere?”. It made me forget about having an armor shaped like a heart. Found my strength in your arms, I guess. Or was I just making it all up inside my head?

It couldn’t have been. Something changed inside of you, too. I felt it.  The way you held me – sweet and caring. Just like a mother holding her child. Maybe you liked it, too. For a few seconds, it felt real. You were unstoppable with me, but then, you took a few steps back and suddenly let go. Looked deep into my eyes and smiled:

’’ It was good, hugging you after such a long time.’’

My heart skipped a few steps. I meant beats. I meant – the ending of your phrase. That ruined EVERYTHING.

’’Don’t get used to it. I’m not doing this again.’’

That was how it ended. My heart broke to pieces right then and there. I forced a smile. ”Why are you doing this?” – my voice tried to scream. Instead, only silence remained and I replied with: ”Don’t worry. It’s okay.” Typical of me – I said the nicest things while I was falling apart. Heartbroken.

At some point, I just got used to it. Not being that perfect girl you sought after all. Somehow, I just couldn’t stop myself from asking: ”Should I be perfect to be loved?”.

Signed,

Unrequited love

Image source: https://i2.wp.com/psychlearningcurve.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/skills.png?fit=1000%2C563

Psychologist’s Note: I wrote this story last summer. Felt the need to leave a note after it. Putting aside the emotional side, I wanted to emphasize the importance of communication in relationships.
Obviously, as you clearly saw, I liked this guy a lot. Got triggered by his hug, but I was unable to articulate clearly how I felt. If I could pinpoint one thing that could have saved me from a lot of pain down the road – I would say that setting boundaries would have been really important. Telling him the way I felt about our hug. How much I needed space to think clearly and mourn the loss of my dream relationship with him. I would say that being authentic and true to your heart, speaking clearly about what you want and need from the get-go helps you a lot in romantic relationships. You might feel pain because the person you want or love might reject you, but at least, now you have the chance to find someone better who loves you fully and invests in you the way you invest in them. Hope this was useful, not only as a story but also as a lesson about things that could be avoided in your romantic life.

Clearly, I learned from this, so don’t worry about me. I pass this one to you as a thing to reflect upon.

P.S: Don’t ever worry if you’re imperfect and that makes you believe you’re unlovable. Imperfection is always worth loving. Just be true to yourself.

Lots of love,

Mădă ❤

Poetry

Courage speaking

Sursa: arhivă personală

Motto: “Drop, drop,

I hear the rain.

Beat, beat

I hear my heartbeat.”

I imagine your hands wrapped around me,

Safe and sound.

You just smile

And start to tell me how much your heart bleeds – after her

And that suicide should never be an option for someone who has loved

And lost.

I reply with ”I’m sorry”,

Take a break in silence.

Then, I start to tell you about my wounds,

List all the reasons why I should probably be… unlovable,

You still hold me tight,

Kiss my neck

And shrug it off,

Bur not like a joke,

This is not funny,

This is real life.

I swear I can still feel your skin touching mine at that moment,

Hear your voice in my head,

Telling me I’ll always be just like the light,

Finding my way,

Through the darkness,

Because this time, I’m not my past,

Not anymore.

Romanian Section

Îmi dau voie să fiu vulnerabilă

Sursa: arhivă personală

Acum sunt în parc, față în față cu banca pe care ți-am spus că noi doi nu suntem compatibili. E o poveste veche, dar cumva, nu mă pot abține să nu mă gândesc la ea. Mai ales acum – când realizez că poate nu mi-am dat voie să procesez cu adevărat chiar tot ce s-a întâmplat.

Parcul e mai frumos azi. L-au și renovat. Mie, în schimb, îmi e dor puțin de versiunea cea veche. Acum, nici banca nu mai păstrează amintirea ta. Ce să mai zic de mine?

Mi-aș dori să îmi pot renova și eu sufletul cum au renovat ei parcul. Odată cu primăvara, să înfloresc precum ghioceii, dar să înfloresc din interior. Știu, totuși, că nu se mai poate. Timpul nu se mai întoarce și am rupt deja părți din mine. Unele necesită reparație – artă, terapie, recitiri ale unor vechi jurnale….

E amuzant când mă gândesc la versiunea mea de acum 3 ani. Nu pot să cred că am momente în care sunt tot aici. Prietenii mă făceau atunci ,,Sensibilă”, tu îmi spuneai că sunt ,,Diferită” și nu știu cine avea dreptate. Știu doar că am evoluat enorm de atunci. Simt acest lucru în interior. O văd zi de zi când mă privesc în oglindă. Acum sunt un paradox viu – sensibilă și puternică, speriată și în același timp neînfricată. Bine. Cred că e timpul să mă obișnuiesc în sfârșit cu ideea că nu mai ești aici; doar că eu sunt aici, lângă mine. Știu cum să mă iubesc, să nu mai rup mereu părți din mine, să le și pun la loc, într-un mod frumos; ba chiar – artistic. Stau și mă gândesc la faptul că deși îmi curge o lacrimă, nu mai e neapărat un semn rău.  Ceva ce nu ar trebui să arăt în fața lumii. E doar ceea ce simt. Îmi dau voie să fiu vulnerabilă.

Cu mare drag,

Mădă ❤

 

Dear Diary...

23.09.2019 – No idea what this is about

finaljournal
Source: personal archive

Dear diary,

You are my favourite place. I like how I can share my secrets with you.

Breathe. It’s a new day. I feel poetic. Is that even a word in English? Haha. Nevermind.

Another funny thing. Today I choose to be grateful. I’m usually a depressed ungrateful brat…but today is my new day…to shine…and be the thing I’m afraid of – authentic.

Love you! >:D<

Till next time,

Yo’ dear Mădă