Hugging you after such a long time felt weird. The aftershave smell enveloped my body like a thick fog. Sparks were going through it at high speed. Scared and vulnerable? I was in your arms.
The golden ticket to heaven – here it was. Yet, too scared to enjoy it. Got triggered by the closeness but who could blame me? I had this thing about power and in your embrace, my knees felt weak. Thought for a second that I was giving you the power to hurt me. I hated to feel like that.
Nonetheless, every second was precious. The way our bodies fit together in that embrace erased my daily questions. Questions like – ”Do you love me?”; ”Is this going somewhere?”. It made me forget about having an armor shaped like a heart. Found my strength in your arms, I guess. Or was I just making it all up inside my head?
It couldn’t have been. Something changed inside of you, too. I felt it. The way you held me – sweet and caring. Just like a mother holding her child. Maybe you liked it, too. For a few seconds, it felt real. You were unstoppable with me, but then, you took a few steps back and suddenly let go. Looked deep into my eyes and smiled:
’’ It was good, hugging you after such a long time.’’
My heart skipped a few steps. I meant beats. I meant – the ending of your phrase. That ruined EVERYTHING.
’’Don’t get used to it. I’m not doing this again.’’
That was how it ended. My heart broke to pieces right then and there. I forced a smile. ”Why are you doing this?” – my voice tried to scream. Instead, only silence remained and I replied with: ”Don’t worry. It’s okay.” Typical of me – I said the nicest things while I was falling apart. Heartbroken.
At some point, I just got used to it. Not being that perfect girl you sought after all. Somehow, I just couldn’t stop myself from asking: ”Should I be perfect to be loved?”.
Psychologist’s Note: I wrote this story last summer. Felt the need to leave a note after it. Putting aside the emotional side, I wanted to emphasize the importance of communication in relationships.
Obviously, as you clearly saw, I liked this guy a lot. Got triggered by his hug, but I was unable to articulate clearly how I felt. If I could pinpoint one thing that could have saved me from a lot of pain down the road – I would say that setting boundaries would have been really important. Telling him the way I felt about our hug. How much I needed space to think clearly and mourn the loss of my dream relationship with him. I would say that being authentic and true to your heart, speaking clearly about what you want and need from the get-go helps you a lot in romantic relationships. You might feel pain because the person you want or love might reject you, but at least, now you have the chance to find someone better who loves you fully and invests in you the way you invest in them. Hope this was useful, not only as a story but also as a lesson about things that could be avoided in your romantic life.
Clearly, I learned from this, so don’t worry about me. I pass this one to you as a thing to reflect upon.
P.S: Don’t ever worry if you’re imperfect and that makes you believe you’re unlovable. Imperfection is always worth loving. Just be true to yourself.
Lots of love,